I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
Chicks, chicks everywhere, and not a drop to drink. Dude, when did real life lesbians get HOT?
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
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