The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
third nipple confirmed
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
YOU DESERVE A GUY WITH A NORMAL DICK DONT SETTLE FOR ANYTHING LESS
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Randomize
