PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
