This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
Randomize
