dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize
