Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
All the drunken hookups over the last year are self destructing, at least something is keeping nursing school interesting
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
So vagazzling was a success
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
