My friends, they love my intelligence
Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
