i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
