some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Randomize
