Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
He started planning our future mid-hookup. You tell me how my night was.
Randomize
