I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
This beer is not sobering me up at all
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
While finding our clothes afterwards he says..."So do we like have to talk after this?"
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