You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
