A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
