Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
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