I love black thongs
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
She had sex with a starfish painted on her face. Thank you Halloween
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Randomize