if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
What's the politest way to tell someone that you're only interested in them when they're naked, and even then it's just like a passing "meh?"
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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