i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
Randomize
