You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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