Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
people from other dorms came to marvel at the dump i took. i had a bio major take a picture.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
All three of the bartenders here have screwed my boss, so he's definitely gay. Unfortunately for you he seems to have a type and you're not it.
I can see. My condolences to your vagina.
Randomize
