found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Randomize
