my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Randomize