best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
He was the highest I've ever seen. Almost had him convinced there are only three colors in the rainbow...
How many fucks given?
0.12846
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
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