the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize