Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
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