Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
