can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
Randomize
