Why were you high on a thursday?
today's a wednesday
I asked first.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
I have to have boobs, you have the charm and wholesomeness that gets boyfriends... And i have boobs
Randomize
