wakey wakey hands off snakey
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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