I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
therell be strippers and coke right?
no strippers. just coke.
i hate this fuckin recession
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize