we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
