The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Blacked out and Irish exited last night. At dinner. On a Sunday.
Randomize
