just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
Randomize
