Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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