tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
