Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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