the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Randomize