I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
and yet oddly the jello shots tasted better coming up than going down
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
