hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
After watching Cinemax for a few months, real porn just grosses me out.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Randomize
