I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
Did I show you my penis last night?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
It would be like bopping for an apple with my penis but never winning an actual prize. The only thing I would get from it would be the joy from taking part but then regretting it forever more
Just made a jeopardy bj game. Every question has 10-50 seconds on it and if he's right that's how many he gets.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
