I wish I could punch you in the face.
Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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