seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
