Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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