can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
I'm classy like audry Hepburn. Chugging wine out of the bottle on the way to the club. Shed do that. I know she would.
Randomize
