Say something about gay babies.
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
honestly, fuck you guys. i'm gonna get drunk by myself
Randomize
