i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Randomize
