absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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