Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize