I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning
didn't feel it. :)
It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.
wait what? so it's not in america?
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
