be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
Randomize
