Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
