she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
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