I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
