me texting you is like we have secret walkie talkies.
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
