PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
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