good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize