the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize