Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex
Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut
Fuck. Wron person. But yea
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Randomize
