he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
Randomize
