One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
Im going to bed. I'm seeing 7 of everything and my world smells like gravy
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Randomize
