I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
Randomize
