it's 4 am, i'm drinkin beer and re-drywalling my bathroom. this could possibly be a bad idea.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I don't care what you say, cheap wine does NOT taste better in expensive crystal...
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
I found a tip from a dart in my bra this morning
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'm going to leave the 5 dollars that fell out of my bra while fucking in his room on the dresser as an apology
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
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