My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
