Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
